


A brick in the wall.

by sandorizu



Category: Finnish Music RPF, Music RPF
Genre: Gen, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, self discovery, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-14 21:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1279975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandorizu/pseuds/sandorizu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>You don't have to fake, play any roles</i>
  <br/>
  <i>No need to push any brakes</i>
  <br/>
  <i>You don't have to fake, you can't escape</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Don't care about the others, lift your hands to the sky</i>
</p><p> </p><p>This is as much a story about self discovery as it is about falling in love with a much older mentor figure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Robin

**Author's Note:**

> A quite different piece from what I have previously written I think. Watching Robin develop and grow as a person and artist from the sidelines sparks thoughts and ideas in me. Recent changes have made me think things that are partially the foundation for this piece.

He had long since gotten used to the fame. Used to people projecting images on him, to people having preconcieved ideas about how he should be. It was all part of the deal, something he had accepted as a part of what he was doing with his life. And nothing could make him want to sing any less anyway.

But he wasn't entirely sure who he really was underneath the public facade. He'd always worked hard to be genuine, to show himself to the fans, and at first he probably did. It was the real Robin that was awkwardly answering questions about skating and soft ice after the release of Frontside Ollie. But somewhere along the way, as he got better at interviews, he learned how to act and what to say to make the girls happy. Now he supposed that was when the first bit of him disappeared from the public Robin.

Bit by bit he felt further and further away from the boy he was supposed to be. Anyone could see his physical changes and how his style matured. But as he kept grinning and answering the same questions the answers felt less true every time. Every time he felt like there was more and more to hide.

How more than often he didn't feel as happy as he acted. How sometimes he'd rather play video games than see anyone. How more and more often he wanted to cringe every time his songs mentioned girls.

He knew it was all a part of marketing. His fans were pretty much all girls and if he sang for them he sold more albums. That's what they'd repeated to himself so many times. Not that he'd ever complained. It was just that for the longest of times he'd felt no interest or connection to them at all. He loved them all as his fans, but he loved any fan no matter if they were a boy or a girl. Catering to only girls felt wrong.

Of course the day came when he'd started to find them interesting. That day came for everyone at some point and Robin was no different. His first real crush was on a girl in his own class, one who did remind him of a song from his first album. That had made things feel a little more real.

Only a little though. He shared his first kiss with a girl from circus school and it felt nothing like he'd imagined. While it did feel good it left him feeling somewhat empty inside. Like what he was doing felt closer to the fake Robin than his true self. Like he couldn't be sure which version of him she was kissing. He would keep smiling and laughing with her, but he never kissed her again. 

He wasn't sure when he'd first noticed how his eyes sometimes tended to stay on boys instead of the brightly dressed girls. It was easy to think it was because there were so few of them so they stuck out in the crowd. He liked that different people liked him.

The more he looked at the people around him, desperately trying to figure out what was going on inside him, the more it seemed like everyone else was living in a different world. A world where everyone knew him, but they didn't know _him_. He had his friends, his family, and he couldn't ask for better. They'd given him a normal life despite the buzz around him and he was eternally grateful. They'd done everything to help him. He couldn't ask for more. And so the Robin they saw also slowly drifted away from what he was truly feeling underneath. 

It was seldom big things. Just hiding when he had a bad day, hiding when he wanted to be alone. He gave everyone the attention he felt they deserved. He worked hard in school, kept his grades high, but it made him so very tired. At times all he wanted was to sit in a corner by himself and let it all out. These times he had found safety in texting one person.

The world that had been built around him since he was eleven was his haven. It had changed at times, people had come and gone, but he found a strong safety and familiarity with his band members and producers. He truly enjoyed doing what he did and he had been blessed with the best team he could ever have asked for. Among these it was Jimi he had become the closest to. Jimi had been there with him through so many recording sessions and so many back stage hours. Even now when Jimi's role had changed a bit he was probably the one who knew the most about the real Robin.

Some people would probably consider that weird, he knew that. That not even his best friend since forever knew as much as a colleague so much older than him. But Jimi wasn't just a colleague, he had become a close friend. Through hours and hours of time spent together, working and being silly, he'd grown very fond of the man. Somehow it wasn't even that it was easy to show himself to Jimi, it was more like it just happened. Robin couldn't control it himself. 

This was why Jimi was the one receiving the text messages when Robin needed someone to listen. And Jimi always listened.

He did remember exactly the first time he'd felt like kissing Jimi. They had been warming up his voice in a shower room backstage and ended up wrestling. The older man's newly shaved face had been covered in a wide smile, his hair messy from the activity. As Robin had realised what he was about to do he'd quickly withdrawn and gotten up. On stage he'd felt like something was squeezing his throat as he sang. 

Realisation hit like a leaking tap, slowly filling a bowl with water. In the end it was easy to dismiss that first time, but similar things kept happening. Excitement to see his great friend turned into dread as he feared what his mind would do every time. And hiding something from Jimi felt wrong. Very wrong.

But there was nothing to tell, he told himself. An idol crush on his mentor was all it was. Attachment forged from the closeness Jimi had given him, boundaries he shouldn't step over. Jimi was an adult in a commited relationship since years back. He didn't need a barely legal teenager lusting after him. 

Lust. Over these years they had touched a lot. He was used to feeling Jimi's hand on his shoulder, he was used to the brotherly hugs and playful punches and the occasional wrestling. Even if nothing had changed within Robin he would've missed the touches a lot, had they been gone. They weren't. The problem was the tingling sensation that was now warming any part of his body the older man touched. An inability to pull his eyes away, the willpower it took to not let touches linger for too long. The constant wish to touch his lips with his own.

But he held back. It was painful at times, but he knew there was nothing to gain from giving in to this. The only possible outcome was losing the best thing he had. To him it was completely logical that Jimi would not want a fifteen year old boy with feelings for him. Jimi wanted the friend he already had. And so did Robin. More than anything he feared that he would do something wrong, that he'd somehow show something that wasn't to be showed and that he'd lose the safety of spending time with Jimi. The possibility to be himself. If hiding this one thing was what it took to be able to show everything else he would deal with that. There was no question about it.

Crushes came and went, but the friendship, the brotherly closeness, he and Jimi shared was something he wanted to keep forever. He told himself this for weeks, for months. But the tingling never stopped, the inappropriate thoughts kept coming. 

It made perfect sense to him that Jimi was out of reach. His girlfriend was amazing and Robin actually liked her very much. Jimi was happy with her, and _that_ was the reason Robin had no chance. Telling himself that was a lot easier than admitting the fact that he was a boy 16 years and 236 days younger than Jimi to himself. 

Because it didn't feel that way and it never had. Jimi had first become a friend like any other before slowly nestling his way straight into Robin's heart. And fantasies.

After the first time he'd thought of Jimi when alone in his bed he'd felt his cheeks burn up every time Jimi looked at him the following weekend. He pretended it didn't bother him when Jimi wondered who the lucky one was with a grin. Denied any involvement in what Jimi was suggesting. He doubted Jimi had believed him, though. He would just have to be more careful, he'd thought.

Months passed but nothing changed. The crush never disappeared. It was like Jimi became a bigger and bigger part of his life, of him. Like the purpose of everything became Jimi, little by little. At times it felt like he'd found himself only to lose himself again. 

Jimi was still the one he called, the one he texted. That hadn't changed. He still knew everything about Robin's life. Everything except for the tiny little detail that Robin was head over heels in love with him. He wanted desperately to talk to someone about that, tell someone how he felt. He waited for a good moment to tell his childhood friend and bandmember, but that moment never came. Disturbing the cozy feeling as they played car games was always out of the question, just talking about anything else than school, friends or music was something they hadn't done for a long time. 

Instead he tried a lot of ways to make himself think about Jimi less. He tried to force himself to think of other things, to concentrate on school, practice his circus tricks more often. He even went shopping. That was something he used to enjoy before all this. He'd taken his time finding pieces of clothing he considered perfect and then bought several. Now even that was tainted by pressure and a feeling of dishonesty. He chose clothes to match his public image, to match his friends in the business. So there was nothing relaxing or fulfilling about shopping anymore.

His plan didn't work and the tries only made him feel more patethic. More in need of seeing Jimi than ever. He hoped his texts didn't seem too desperate as he tried explaining his mood without giving away too much. Once again he explained how he didn't know who Robin was anymore. Like always Jimi said that he'd find him, that Jimi would do what he could to help. That they'd find Robin together. 

_I do know one thing that's missing_ , he had quietly mumbled, and Jimi's slow exhaled breath over the phone haunted him for days. 

He wasn't sure if it was his imagination, or if Jimi held onto hugs and squeezed his shoulder for longer than usually after that. Whichever it was he was grateful, instead of tingles the touches sent warm waves of confidence and trust through him and once again he could almost feel himself falling deeper in love with the man.

Which was confusing. The world around him told him he was too young for such feelings. He felt sure that even if he told someone no one would take him seriously. He would be called a confused teenager going through a phase. But he knew that this was far more than that. A phase, idolizing, anything less than what he thought he felt, would have passed a long time ago. Instead Robin was stuck with a clear burning want that never gave in.

 _Who are you thinking about?_ Jimi had asked one day. Stuttering Robin had mumbled _you wouldn't know them_ and Jimi had looked almost sad. That was another thing that haunted Robin for days. 

The third thing to haunt him came one warm evening in March. Something about Jimi had felt off from the moment he saw him, but he didn't know what. But he cared, he wanted to know what was wrong despite the strong feeling of terror settling itself in his stomach. Was this when he'd get rejected? Was this when Jimi told him to leave him alone? So many thoughts had coursed through his head as his eyes were locked at the man on the other side of the restaurant table that he almost missed the words when they came.

_We broke up._


	2. Jimi

He'd considered it an idol crush, or even brotherly love. He found it adorable, even encouraging and empowering that such an amazing young boy could find anything positive to look up to in this mess of an adult.

In a way one could say he'd been successful. He'd hoped to build a stable ground for that so very young star to stand on. To be there as support and give advice through the turmoil he knew that the fame easily brought. He'd been there and seen it before, if he could use that experience to give Robin strength he would. If Robin had grown fond of him he could only assume that at least some parts had succeeded.

He hadn't really expected the level of confiding that he would receive. It was far too long since he himself had been a similar age, and even he was noticeably older when he became famous. So he supposed there was no way to have expected the pain Robin would have to go through, growing up and discovering himself with so many eyes trained on him.

So Jimi always answered the phone. Always replied to texts right away. It was sad that Robin felt he couldn't share what his feelings with anyone else, but Jimi was not the one to judge. He understood more than well the feeling of drifting away from friends, from a life that didn't feel real any longer. And partially he had Robin to thank for that.

For him it had been a positive thing, something that had to happen. And now the reason he was so keen on helping Robin was the way Robin had grounded him. The way the challenge of working with Robin had brought him back from an edge he'd been hovering on for far too long. 

He remembered it well, how first his girlfriend had been surprised every time he said no to a drink. How that had hurt in a very subtle but strange way. How she'd kept going out when he'd stayed home and he'd kept insisting that it was fine. It was. It had been his own choice and still was. It was a promise he'd made to himself, there was no reason for her to limit her life due to that.

It became normal that he fell asleep to good night messages from his teenage friend instead of his girlfriend.

He remembered the completely genuine Robin back when they started all this. And he was sad to admit that he couldn't pinpoint the exact time Robin had started hiding himself. He feared he hadn't noticed it fast enough, that he hadn't known the boy well enough yet. Because Robin was convincing. Probably because he did love what he was doing and was usually genuinely enjoying himself despite the pressure. But now Jimi could see right through him. He knew exactly when he was seeing the public Robin and when he was being let in on something way more intimate.

He was aware their friendship wasn't the most conventional one. If anything his girlfriend liked to remind him of that. He'd laugh and say she knew he wasn't normal when she chose him and she'd admit the truth of the statement. He knew that what was supposed to be his job had become a part of his life he couldn't leave outside the walls of their own home. His attachment to Robin followed him wherever he was and he understood how it could be frustrating for her. He was grateful she did her best to understand.

He remembered when he realised he was the one Robin was sharing his innermost secrets with. He remembered when Robin had nervously asked him if it was okay if he liked boys too. He remembered the first time he'd heard Robin cry quietly over the phone. He remembered how much it had hurt so perfectly well.

It wasn't all that long after that he'd started to suspect things. It was the way Robin got stuck staring at him and smiling for minutes at times, probably not even realising it himself. It was how Robin only seemed to grow more attached to him as time passed, instead of growing away from idolising Jimi as he had always expected. He tried to ignore it, pretend he hadn't noticed. Even taking it into consideration would open doors concealing things he would rather never even begin to consider.

But it wasn't often his attention caught on that, and time passed easily without him having to think of what might come out of the boy having such an attachment to him. He went on, they talked, they had fun, they worked. Jimi smiled a lot.

More often She came home so late he barely ever saw her. Jimi smiled either way. Sometimes he mentioned their usual trip to Thailand, and she'd say there's no hurry. He supposed there wasn't, they never did go at a specific time of the year, after all.

Sometimes he wondered who he should talk to. Did what he had with Robin go both ways? He always decided that even if it did, he shouldn't put such trivial matters onto the boy's already heavy shoulders. He had other friends he could talk to. He barely saw any of them anymore, but he could talk to them. He could.

He just never did. Nor did he talk to Robin. Not about how he felt like he was slowly losing the love of his life, nor about how he wasn't sure it made him sad. Definitely not about how the only person he really wanted to talk to was Robin.

He'd become completely dependent on having the teenager in his life and he was well aware it wasn't healthy. No matter how long he tried to pretend he was only there for the boy whenever he needed him he did know that wasn't the truth. Answering the phone because he wanted to help had become waiting for a chance to answer the phone because he wanted to. Robin had become the best friend he had ever had.

So he kept encouraging the boy without a word of his own troubles. Whenever he was out and about with the boy and his band what happened, or didn't happen, at home was easy to forget. Sometimes he stayed away over night and she never asked where he'd been. When she did the same he didn't bother either. Though he would've liked to know.

 _I do know one thing that's missing_ , Robin said one evening over the phone and Jimi had to bite his lip not to make a sound. About three hours later She had found him still in the same spot staring at his phone. If he would ever go back to pinpoint a moment, that would have been it.

Because now he knew. It was not only suspicion anymore, and he _knew_ it was past idolising. And he knew it didn't bother him at all. What did bother him was how it made him feel _happy_.

Things were never supposed to go this way.

He was thankful when things continued just like before. She never mentioned that night, Robin never mentioned any feelings and Jimi kept going, kept working, kept living. Spring came slowly and the days were lighter and so was his mood. So when Robin was happily smiling at something joking about who he was thinking about was the most natural thing ever.

Never had he expected the feeling of a heavy stone dropping down into his stomach at the mumbled words _you wouldn't know them_. Never had he expected to have to bite back disappointment when the boy had finally found someone else to think about. Never had he expected it to _hurt_.

And again She found him staring blankly, this time into the nothingness of a book page. But this time she commented on it. " _You're acting like I've already left you_ ", she'd said and that was really all there was to it.

How does one react to words like that, he wondered. How should one react to the safety of years together crumbling away? Without knowing who's the one responsible or if it's just both of you. He blamed himself, blamed himself for only concentrating on Robin. For ignoring her, but he couldn't say it out loud.

She did.

And he knew she was right.

But she was okay, she said. She'd made peace with that a while ago and she'd slowly started to move on. Now she was ready to walk out and Jimi was the one not prepared. He was the one who'd be left alone to deal with the turmoil inside of him by himself. A mess of memories of all the good times with her, thoughts of where things went wrong and with each moment that passed since she closed the door; more thoughts of Robin and _hope_. 

It was messed up, disgusting. Horrible. Disturbing to say the least. Robin was his best friend. The boy he had given so much. He had never wanted to force his troubles on the boy, but if he had found peace away from Jimi then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't mind listening this time. He hoped so. He desperately needed to talk. 

He knew he looked like a wreck. He knew it went against all the plans of always appearing strong in front of Robin. But he wasn't able to hold it in anymore so he'd called. And Robin's eyes on him were heavy, he could feel them all over his skin. He wasn't sure what he was hoping, did he only want comfort? Or was he disgusting enough to hope. He wasn't sure. But it was among the hardest words to ever say, because they made so much more than simply Her walking out real.

 _We broke up_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit, this requires more doesn't it?

**Author's Note:**

> There will be at least one more chapter. Please tell me what you think, I'm more interested than ever!


End file.
